Harry Potter Fairy Tales: Hansel and Gretel
by Aphrael Danae
Summary: The retelling of classic fairy tales using the Harry Potter characters...of course chaos ensues...the first of *hopefully* many. Please R/R! PG for mild language.
1. Once upon a time...

Please be kind…this is my first fic…and expect it to be a long and drawn out story as I tend to ramble…and my creativity comes in bursts…I'll try to post as often as possible…but please don't hold me to that  

Please be kind…this is my first fic…and expect it to be a long and drawn out story as I tend to ramble…and my creativity comes in bursts…I'll try to post as often as possible…but please don't hold me to that J

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing except my own insanity…and even that is debatable. 

HARRY POTTER FAIRY TALES: HANSEL AND GRETEL

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Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a woodcutter…

Mr. Weasley: A woodcutter? I'm a woodcutter? Do I get to use one of those muggle feinchaws?

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Ummmm…nooooo…I don't think that a chainsaw would be a good idea…here, have an axe.

Mr. Weasley: *disappointed* Oh…

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Ahem…a woodcutter, his wife…

Mrs. Weasley: *running* I'm here, I'm here…sorry, something came up.

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*eyebrows raised* We're trying to tell a story here…by the way, where's our Hansel and Gretel? Where's Ron and Ginny?

Mrs. Weasley: That's what came up…there's been an accident.

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WHAT?!? What happened?

Mr. Weasley: *concerned* Yes, dear…what happened? *whispering* keeptheauthorbusysoicanfindoneofthosefeinchaws…

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*looking pointedly at Mr. Weasley* I heard that *turns back to Mrs. Weasley* Anyhow, what happened to Ron and Ginny?

Mrs. Weasley: Well, Harry was teaching Ginny to fly…he's such a nice boy you know..our Ginny wants to try out for the Quidditch team and I know she'd do a great job, she's so very talented…I remember when she was younger one time…

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Wait…Harry was teaching Ginny to fly? That's wonderful, but why TODAY?!? I've got a story write!

Mrs. Weasley: Well, Quidditch tryouts are in a couple of days, and she's been busy with school and…

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Fine, whatever…so, why isn't she here now? And where IS Ron? *exasperated* I can't write Hansel and Gretel without HANSEL AND GRETEL!!!

Mrs. Weasley: *looking rather put out* Don't take that tone with me young lady!

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yesmrsweasley…

Mrs. Weasley: That's better…anyhow, Ginny fell off her broomstick…

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WHAT!?!

Mrs. Weasley: *continuing* …and broke her leg.

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*dumbstruck* ……………………..crap…*sigh* So Ginny's in the hospital wing I take it, with a broken leg?

Mrs. Weasley: *nods* 

Mr. Weasley: *concerned* Is she okay?

Mrs. Weasley: Of course, dear. Poppy's taking good care of her.

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Crapcrapcrapcrap…and where *ohgawd* is Ron?

Mrs. Weasley: In the hospital ward as well.

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Visiting Ginny? *hoping*

Mrs. Weasley: You could say that…

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*pained look* Wha…..?

Mrs. Weasley: Ginny fell on him.

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CRAP! *passes out*

Part Two to soon follow…who will we get to play Hansel and Gretel? I already know, but do you have a guess? 

Thank you, thank you and thank _you_ J Please R/R…any suggestions? Requests for future fairy tales? Let me know!


	2. Flipping for Dirndls

Disclamer: I still own nothing except my own insanity…and again, that's debatable

Disclamer: I still own nothing except my own insanity…and again, that's debatable. J

Harry Potter Fairy Tales: Hansel and Gretel – 

Chapter Two: Flipping for Dirndls (def. – 'a woman's dress styled in imitation of Alpine peasant costume, with close-fitting bodice, tight waistband and full skirt'…thank you Canadian Oxford Dictionary!)

Mrs. Weasley: *patting the author's cheek*…wake up honey…come on *to Mr. Weasley* Get my bag dear, I think I have some smelling salts in there…

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*groggy* no mummy…I don't want to go to school today…just five more…EWWWW! *woken with smelling salts* What happened? I had this terrible dream that I was trying to write a story and my Hansel and Gretel were in the hospital wing, and that was only the first chapter!

Mrs. Weasley: *nodding* Yes, that's pretty much it so far…

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Crap…so what do I do for lead characters? Where's Harry and Hermione…they could pull this off………I think…

Mr. Weasley: Actually, we thought of that…but…

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*another pained look (expect a lot of these)* but…?

Mrs. Weasley: Well, we asked Hermione while you were, um, indisposed…and she said no…she's studying for her O.W.Ls and refuses to leave the library…

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*rolls eyes* I should have expected that…what about Harry?

Mr. Weasley: He refuses to leave the hospital wing…he's keeping an eye on Ron and Ginny *smiles* I think more Ginny than Ron though *winks at Mrs. Weasley*

Mrs. Weasley: *giggles* Oh Arthur…

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*big sigh* Fine, whatever…what about Neville, Lavendar, Seamus, Pavarti, Draco, Pansy…I'll use anyone at this point!

*Mr. and Mrs. Weasley look at each other, then at the author, apprehensively*

Mr. Weasley: …we did find a couple of volunteers…

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Who? Get them down here! Let's get this story rolling! Written…whatever…

Mrs. Weasley: *calling through the door* Ok boys, come on in…she's awake now.

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*confused* Boys…but it's Hansel and…GOYLE?!? YOU BROUGHT ME CRABBE AND GOYLE?!?

Crabbe: Hey…

Goyle: *grunts*

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*staring open mouthed at the farce this story has become…oh wait…it already was* 

Mrs. Weasley: Everyone else was, um, busy.

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Everyone?

Mr. Weasley: Everyone.

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….you sure?

Mr. Weasley: Positive.

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…*thinks* 

….*thinks some more* 

…*still thinking*

…you couldn't just put Ginny on crutches or something? We could work it in…

Mrs. Weasley: Oh, give them a chance…they seemed *looks over at Crabbe, currently pulling the wings off a fly, and Goyle standing in a puddle of his own drool* …eager.

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*chokes back a sob* What have I done…what did I do to deserve this?

Crabbe: Where's the buffet? She *points at Mrs. Weasley* said there was going to be a buffet.

Goyle: *grunts*

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…help me…please…*closes her eyes and counts s l o w l y to ten* Fine…we'll make this work…somehow…I hope…boys, come here

*Crabbe and Goyle lumber over*

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*author smiles as cheerfully as she can muster* So, boys…you are going to be a part of my story…the lead roles actually…you'll be in the limelight for once…

Crabbe: Yeah…he *jerks his thumb at Mr. Weasley* said you're writng 'Hansel and Gretel'.

Goyle: *grunts*

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Uh, yes…actually, I wanted to talk to you about that…you do realize that the part of Gretel is supposed to be for a girl, right?

Crabbe: Girl?

Goyle: *grunts questioningly*

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Yes, a girl…now, seeing as you two have so graciously volunteered to participate in my narrative, I would love to re-write the story to fit the fact that neither of you is of the female persuasion, but unfortunately our costume department…

Crabbe: …too many big words.

Goyle: *grunts in agreement*

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One of you is gonna have to wear a dress.

Goyle: *stunned grunt*

Crabbe: Dress?!?

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A dirndl actually…the other wears the lederhosen…

*Both stare at the author as though she's grown a third head*

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Sorry boys…you want to be a part of the glory…you gotta dress for it…in a dirndl…I don't care how you chose who does it…you can flip for it for all I care, I just want to get this story underway, and quick!

*Crabbe, still stunned at the fact that one of them has to wear a dress, and trying to figure out what a dirndl is, fails to notice the flicker of thought cross Goyles face…Goyle grabs Crabbe around the knees and flips him over his shoulder, knocking him out*

Goyle: Where's the costume department?

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…………..I need a drink

A/N: Thankyouthankyouthankyou to everyone who has reviewed the last chapter! And all your future story suggestions are definitely being taken into consideration! Hopefully my creative streak won't peter out too quickly J …and we will get to the story…eventually…well, as soon as Crabbe wakes up and we get him into that dirndl *teehee* Remember to R/R!


	3. Rude Awakenings

DISCLAIMER: Still owning nothing…except for my own insanity

DISCLAIMER: Still owning nothing…except for my own insanity.

A/N: This particular chapter is PG-13 for implied naughtiness…

Harry Potter Fairy Tales: Hansel and Gretel

Chapter Three: Rude Awakenings

*Crabbe and Goyle trundle out from wardrobe dressed in a dirndle and lederhosen respectively*

Crabbe: *pouting* I want to punch myself…

*Goyle scratches at the lederhosen* 

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*author holds back a snicker* You look…um…*Crabbe and Goyle look at her expectantly* …you look…er…let's just get this started shall we? Mr. and Mrs. Weasley?

Mrs. Weasley: We're ready honey…*to Mr. Weasley* …dear?

Mr. Weasley: *fighting the urge to laugh…and failing miserably* …I'm ready *snorts*

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Ok…here we go…

Once upon a time in a land far, far away…there lived a woodcutter, his wife and their two children, Hansel and Gretel. They were very poor and lived only in a small…

Where's the hut? I'm supposed to have a hut! *stamps her feet* Where's my set designer?!?

Mr. Weasley: I think that was Cornelius Fudge…

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*incredulous* We hired Cornelius Fudge? *shakes her head* Well where is he? I need a hut! We cannot move forward without a hut! 

Mrs. Weasley: Well, he is the Minister of Magic…he has things to do…

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*stares at her* yes…LIKE BUILD A SET THAT INCLUEDS A HUT!!!!

Mr. Weasley: *whispering to Mrs. Weasley* I think she's losing it…

Mrs. Weasley: *whispering back* I think she already did…

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*close to tears, again* All I asked for is a nice set…is that too much? Just a small hut for…*inspiration* …hey, Hagrid lives in a hut…we'll just use his!

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*author marches over to Hagrid's and bangs on the door* Hagrid! Hagrid? We need to use your house…Hagrid? *opens door and peeks in* _Hagrid? I'm trying to write a story and need to use OH MY GAWD!!!! MY EYES, MY EYES!!! *author slams the door shut and runs into the Forbidden Forest, screaming all the way*_

Mr. Weasley: You're right…I think she has lost it…

*Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Crabbe and Goyle run after the author, curious as to her behaviour*

Mrs. Weasley: Wait up honey…what's wrong?

*they find the author leaning up against a tree, trying to catch her breath*

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME MADAME MAXINE WAS VISITING?!? I HAVE TO BLEACH MY BRAIN TO GET RID OF THE IMAGES!!!

Crabbe: Huh?

Goyle: *looks confused for a moment…then giggles*

*Crabbe looks at Goyle questioningly…Goyle whispers something to him…they both giggle like schoolgirls*

Mrs. Weasley: *understanding why the author is more disturbed than usual* Oh…oh dear…oh my…Hagrid and Madame Maxine were…

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YES! OH GAWD YES! OH, THE HUMANITY! *stares wildly at her cast* Forget the hut…let's just get these two *looks at Crabbe and Goyle* into the woods…*to Mrs. Weasley* You and Mr. Weasley are free to go until the end of the story…

*Mr. and Mrs. Weasley look at each other*

Mrs. Weasley: Actually, I think we'll stick around…for support.

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Sure, okay…*to Crabbe and Goyle* Go on then…into the woods with you.

*Crabbe and Goyle march off into the Forbidden Forest, with the author and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley follwing*

Crabbe: *muttering and scratching at the dirndl* I thought there was supposed to be a buffet…

Another A/N: Next chapter – Into The Woods (Finally)! Thank you again for all your wonderful reviews!


	4. Striking Elves and Evil Witches (or lack...

Okay…just to get you up to speed…here's the story thus far…sort of…

Disclaimer: Hey, guess what? I still don't own the HP characters! J. K. Rowling does! Can you believe it? Shock and surprise all around!

Harry Potter Fairy Tales: Hansel and Gretel

Chapter Four – Striking Elves and Evil Witches (or lack thereof)

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Okay…just to get you up to speed…here's the story thus far…sort of…

Once upon a time there was a woodcutter, his wife and their two children, Hansel and Gretel. They were so poor they didn't even have a hut *shudder…please don't ask* to live in. They couldn't afford to feed their children, so they dropped them off in the middle of the forest to fend for themselves…(I know that's not exactly how the story goes…but really, if you've read this far, were you really expecting accuracy?)

Mrs. Weasley: *shocked* Wait a second! We leave them in the forest to fend for themselves?!? I'd never do that to my children!

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*looks at Crabbe and Goyle stumbling around through the Forbidden Forest…in a dirndl and lederhosen* first of all, they aren't your children…

Mr. Weasley: …but they were originally…it was supposed to be Ron and Ginny.

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*sigh* Look…it's all a part of the plot…that's what happens in the story…

Mrs. Weasley: I don't know if I really care for this story anymore…

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*mutters* neither do I…

Mr. Weasley: What was that?

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Nothing…let's keep this story moving, shall we? I want to get this over with before the end of the year…hopefully…

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So Hansel and *snort* Gretel wandered through the forest trying in vain to find their way home, back to their parents.

Crabbe: Is this story done yet? I'm hungry…where's that buffet?

Goyle: *grunts in agreement*

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Don't worry…you'll be fed yet…

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The two walked through the woods, growing hungrier by the minute…

Crabbe: I just said that…

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Stuff it dirndl boy…I'm telling this story…

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They walked and walked and walked until…

Crabbe: CANDY!!!

Goyle: *drools ala Homer Simpson*

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*relieved at the sight of the witch's gingerbread house* at least something in this story is right…

Mrs. Weasley: *approvingly* Cornelius did a wonderful job on the house…

Mr. Weasley: *nodding* Yes, he put a hundred house elves to work on it…

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He did WHAT?!? *big sigh* Don't let Hermione know…*thinks* wait…why didn't they build a hut while they were at it…not that I'm an advocate of slave labour or anything, it's just…

Mr. Weasley: *interupting* Hermione found out…and convinced them to go on strike.

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…hence the absence of Fudge?

Mr. Weasley: *nods in agreement*

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*rolls eyes* Oh well, I'm just glad I've got a gingerbread house at this point…or did…*yells at Crabbe and Goyle who are starting to devour said house* GUYS, WE STILL NEED THE HOUSE! DON'T EAT IT ALL!

Crabbe: *mouth full of gumdrops and brownies* Mut mer hunry…

Goyle: *nods*

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Just get in the house before it falls down….*thinks to herself* maybe we can patch up that wall…or just add another door…or two…

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So Hansel and Gretel came across the gingerbread house and began to feast. They were soon interupted by the owner of the house, an evil old witch who did not care to have her house eaten away…

CUE WITCH!

*pause*

*pause*

*pause*

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CRAP!!!! WHERE'S MY WITCH! WHERE'S RITA SKEETER!

Mr. Weasley: Um…she left with Cornelius after the elf fiasco…she wanted to get the full story…

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*stares at Mr. Weasley then bursts into tears* I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! THIS HAS BECOME A JOKE! AAARRRGGGHHH!!! *begins to laugh hysterically* I just wanted to write a simple fairy tale…that's all…nothing too hard…was that too much to ask? *lifts her tear streaked face to the heavens* I just want to finish my story! PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP ME! (For Oscar consideration)

Mrs. Weasley: We did find another volunteer…

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*looks at Mrs. Weasley* You did?!? Who? Voldemort with a feather boa? Snape in platforms? Vernon Dursley in a mini-skirt? *stops and thinks* …wait, please tell me it's not Dursley…I don't think I could handle that…*shudders*

Mr. Weasley: *retching with the thought* Oh, goodness no…nothing like that…though he's not really evil…he's just…

Gilderoy Lockhart: Hullo everyone! *beaming smile*

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Oh…my…gawd…

A/N: I have no idea where this story is going…really…but it's rather fun so far, don't you think? I think it will wrap up soon…we're going to have to send the author to St. Mungo's before long…Please R/R!


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